SALLIE AND SAMMIE 




HAEEY L. N.R" 

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ACTOR AND THE JANITOR. THE 

A Comic Novelty Act 
CASEY THE INVENTOR A Vaudeville Comic 
CHATTER Monologue for Males 

COLLEGE CHUMS, THE A Comedy Inciden 

DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY Comedy Sketch 
FAMILY SECRET Monologue 

GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE 

A Suffragette Monologue 
IMMIGRANT INSPECTOR A Comedy Talkfest 
IN A CABARET Comedy Crossfire 

INVITATION TO THE BALL Comedy Sketch 
IZZY'S VACATION A Summer Episode 

JACK AND HIS QUEEN, A A Comedietta 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 

Comedy Sketch 
MEET MY WIFE A Comedy Diama 

MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE, 

THE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval 

PAIR OF PANTS. A Talking Act 

ROSE OF MEXICO. A A Drama 

SALLIE AND SAMMIE A Comedy Skit 

SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD. THE Comedy 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM Comedy Sketch 

WHAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE 

KNOWS Suffragette Monologue 



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"A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS," 

Or 
PERPETUAL MOTION. 
Sketch for 6 males. 
By Frank Dumont. 
A laughable experience in a sanitarium of "eccentric" 
inventors. Contains an excellent low comedy part. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
*'TWO WOMEN AND ONE MAN." 
Sketch for two females. 
By Frank Dumont. 
CAST OF CHARACTERS, 
Bella Sanders, | 

Estelle Williams, j .....College Chums 

Two schoolmates meet, not having seen each other 
since leaving college. The talk over old times is very 
amusing. Naturally, they talk over the good and bad 
points of other mates, although neither believed in 
"running down" their neighbors. While in college 
they had agreed never to marry without consulting the 
other, but time changes matters and they both fall in 
love with the same man. Nothing could bring discord 
to these two loyal friends — but — the man — makes a 
change, and, womanlike, they abuse each other with the 
tongue. It turns out that the man marries one of 
their despised mates, so nothing is left but to console 
each other by ridiculing the man's choice. 

Excellent sketch for two ladies. Can be done in 
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Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." 

A Modern Musical Burlesque. 

By Frank Dumont. 

Five Males — Two Females. 

There are many burlesques on "Little Red Riding 

Hood." Mr. Dumont, however, has really outdone all 

others on this occasion. Ours is an unusual production. 

We have incorporated all the musical numbers in the 

book of the play, including the dramatic or cue music. 

Any musical society can handle this version. Contains 

excellent speaking parts and abounds in good comedy 

lines and music. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. 

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SALLIE AND SAMMIE 



A COMEDY SKIT FOR TWO RUBE KIDS 



By 
HARRY Iv. NEWTON 



Copyright MCMXIV by M. Witmark & Sons 
International copyright secured 



IPublished by 

M. WITMARK & SONS 
Witmark Building, New York 



CHICAGO LONDON 



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SALLIE AND SAMMIE 

Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to 
whom Theatrical Managers who wish to 
produce it shotdd apply. Amateur repre- 
sentation may be made zvithout such appli- 
cation and without charge. 



\VV\f1t^-u'^/V' 



©CLD 38035 

SEP-2 19I4 ^^ 



CHARACTERS 

Sallie Haskitt — A Country Girl. 
Sammie Green — A Country Boy. 

COSTUMES. 

Sallie — Short gingham dress and sunbonnet. 

Sammie — Knee trousers, with larg^e patch on seat 
of same, large bow tie and straw hat. Sammie 
may be "done" as a "silly kid" if so desired. 

Time of Playing — Fifteen Minutes. 

Scene. — A country lane, or exterior in "one." 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE. 

D.R.C. CO. b.i.X 




Vie 

v, 



LX, 



AUDIUNCE. 

L. I E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I E. — Right first entrance. ■ 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C, — Left centre of stage. 

C. D. — Centre door. 

D. R. C. — Door right centre. 
D. L. C. — Door left centre. 



\, 



SALLIE AND SAMMIE 

A Comedy Skit for Two Rube Kids 
By Harry L. Newton. 

(At rise Sallie and Sammie enter from R. and L., 
singing a ''kid" song, then go into dialogue at finish 
of song.) 

Sallie — Are you goin' to Mary Brown's birth- 
day party, Sammie ? 

Sammie — No, I ain't. 

Sallie — Oh, you mustn't say "I ain't." You 
must say, "I am not goin'." That's proper gram- 
mar. Now here's a sample lesson in grammar, 
Sammie. "You are not goin'. He is not goin', we 
are not goin', she is not goin'." Now, can you say 
all that, Sammie? 

Sammie — Sure, I can. There ain't nobody goin'. 

Sallie — Sammie, you're a fool. But I'm goin' 
to have a birthday party soon. I was born at six 
o'clock in the evenin'. When was you born, 
Sammie? 

Sammie — I was born at twelve o'clock at night. 

Sallie — Oh, Sammie, what a whopper. You 
knov^ your mother wouldn't let you sit up that late. 



SALLIE AND SAMMIE 



Sammie — Oh, gosh, Sallie, but you're the fool 
— not me. 

Sallie — Well, you're a naughty boy to tell such 
whoppers. You'll never go to heaven if you're not 
careful. 

Sammie^ — Oh, well, I've been to the circus and 
Uncle Tom's Cabin three times; I can't expect to 
go everywhere. 

Sallte — Oh, you're too smart. Just l^ecause you 
were born in the city you think you're the smartest 
ever. 

Sammie — Well, I could a -been born in the coun- 
try if I'd wanted to, but I didn't want to. 

Sallie — I'll never speak to you again, so there. 

Sammie — All right. Let's play somethin'. 

Sallie — All right. Let's play you're a lady. 

Sammie^ — A lady? You mean a female, woman, 
girl, lady? 

Sallie — Uh— uh ! 

Sammie — Oh, gee, Sallie, I can't. {Hesi- 
tatingly) — I ain't got — I ain't got — I jes' ain't got 
time. 

Sallie — You ain't got what? 

Sammie^ — I ain't got t'me — and besides — Say, 
wdiat kind of a lady do you want me to be? 

Sallie — I want you to be my mother. 

Sammie — Oh, gee, let me be your father. 

Sallie — No ; I said my mother. 

Sammie — Oh, give the old man a chance, Sallie. 

Sallie — My mother says that my father has had 
chances enough. 



SALLIE AND SAMMIE 



Sammie — And my father says the only time he 
has a chance is on pay day. 

Sallie — Oh, your father is a pessimist. 

Sammie — He ain't neither. He's a Democrat. 

Sallie — Well, my mother is a patriot. She's 
jes' fuller of patriotism than all sixty, and so's all 
my family. We have a gun that my uncle carried 
when he fought for the union. Another uncle was 
killed in a big battle, fighting for the union. My 
grandfather's picture hangs in our parlor and he 
wears the uniform of a captain in the Union army. 
Now I'll jes' bet you can't mention one thing your 
mother has that would show her love for her 
country. Can you? 

Sammie— You bet I can. (Proudly)— My 
mother has a new union suit. 

Sallie — Now jes' for that I won't play. 

Sammie — Oh, don't get mad, SalHe. Come on, 
I'll be your mother. Say, I ain't got no skirt or 
nothin' to be a lady with. 

Sallie— Well, I got a skirt. Jes' wait a minute 
and I'll get it. 

Exits and returns immediately zvith a long skirt, 
zvhich she puts on him. 

There you are, Sammie. 

Sammie— All right, Sallie. Now I'm your 
mother. Come and kiss your mother. {Makes a 
comedy face, then thrusts out stomach, bending 
hackivard.) 

Sallie— Good gracious, Sammie, you're a sight! 



SALLIE AND SAMMIE 



Sam M IE — So's your mother. 

Sallie — She's not. Besides, who ever saw a 
regular lady look like that. 

Sammie — Oh, you want me to be a regular lady? 

Sallie — Of course I do. 

Sammie — All right. I can be a regular lady. 
Look. {Draws skirt tightly about his legs, then 
thrusts out hips and ivalks a feiv steps in comedy 
manner) — How's that, Sallie? 

Sallie {Laughs) — Well, where did you ever see 
a lady walk like that? 

Sammie — This mornin', down on {local) street. 

Sallie — Why, that's perfectly awful. 

Sammie — Yes, that's what they all said. Now 
watch, Sallie, and I'll show you the different kinds 
of ladies I've seen. Here's a Dutch one. {Imitates 
a Dutch girl's walk) — Here's the French girl. 
{Imitates French girl) — A colored lady. {Imitates 
a wench) — A young lady so stuck on ragtime that 
she walks in ragtime. {Walks to music of some 
ragtime air, then dances a few steps) — A young 
lady of {local town) crossing the street on a rainy 
day. {Walks across stage in an ordinary manner) 
— Here's the same young lady crossing the same 
street on a dry day. {Walks across stage, lifting 
skirt high) — Now, Sallie, I'll show you an imita- 
tion of a real society woman. 

Sallie — A what? {Horrified.) 

Sammie — A real society lady. 

Sallie — Then I am goin' home. This is no place 
for me if you're goin' to act like a society lady. 



SALLIE AND SAMMIE 8 



Sallie exit R. i. E., leaving Sammie to do his spe- 
cialty. He exits after specialty. 

Enter Sallie — Introduces song. Enter Sammie 
with a pitchfork over one shoulder. He walks 
across from R. to L. and is about to exit, when : 

Sallie — Hold on, Sammie; where you goin'? 

Sammie — I got to go. My father needs me. 

Sallie — What for? 

Sammie — To pitch hay. 

Sallie — Oh, come on and talk to me. Your 
father don't need you. 

Sammie — Oh, yes, he does. {Returns to C.) 

Sallie {At C.) — I heard your father was sick. 

Sammie — He was the other day. 

Sallie — And I heard he was married again. 

Sammie — Yep. Both sick and married on the 
same day. 

Sallie — Did gettin' married make him sick? 

Sammie — Yep. He married a grass widow and 
caught the hay fever. {Starts to leave.) 

Sallie — Oh, don't go. 

Sammie — T jes' got to go. P^ather'U be awful 
mad if I don't. 

Sallie — I want to ask you what the teacher 
asked us in school to-day. Do you know the points 
of the compass? 

Sammie — No, I ain't very well acquainted 
around this neighborhood yet. 

Sallie — Why, every girl and boy ought to know 
the points of the compass. I can show you so you'll 



SALLIE AND SAMMIE 



never forget 'em. On your right is the South ; on 
your left is the North, and in front of you is the 
East. Now what's behind you? 

Sammie {Looks behind him) — Where? 

Sallie — Why, right behind you. 

Sammie {Places a hand on seat of trousers then 
turns slozvly around and displays the large patch on 
seat of his trousers to audience) — Oh, gee! I knew 
it. I told maw somebody'd see that patch. Jes' for 
that I got to go. {Starts.) 

Sallie (Laughs) — Aw, don't go. I won't look 
at it. Besides I got somethin' else to ask you. 

Sammie — And I got to pitch some hay. 

Sallie — I heard a word in school to-day and you 
don't know what it means. 

Sammie — Do too. I know all the words in the 
world. 

Sallie — Well, then what's a refrigerator? 

Sammie {Confused) — Why, why, a — a— ref — 
ref ; Say, honest injun; I jes' got to go. 

Sallie — Oh, you don't know what a refrigerator 
is. I'll help you jes' a tiny bit. Now what does 
your maw put the cold meat and vegetables and 
things in ? 

Sammie — Oh, I know. HASH! Say, I got to 
go. 

Sallie — Say, what are you so anxious to go for? 
Don't you like me? 

Sammie — Yes, I like you — 

Sallie — Then you must be more anxious to 
pitch hay than you are to talk to me. 



SALLIE AND SAMMIE lO 



Sammie — Oh, I ain't so terrible anxious to 
pitch hay. It's my father ; he's anxious. 

Sallie — I don't understand. 

Sammie — Well, you see, father was drivin' a 
load of hay and it tipped over — and, say I got to 

go- 

Sallie — What have YOU got to go for? 
Sammie — 'Cause father's under the hay. 
He exits quickly, followed by Sallie 

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PLAYS— SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES 



'THE HABITAT'S REVENGE." 

A Play in One Act. For 2 Males. 
By Gordon Rogers. 

A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he 
and his daughter were wronged by a stranger to whom 
he showed hospitality, twenty years ago, that very 
night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by 
apparently the same man, whom he recognizes, but 
who does not recognize him. Taking the visitor at 
a disadvantage, the trapper, before wreaking vengeance 
upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his wrongs 
to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only 
daughter, twenty years before, by the handsome 
stranger. 

While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father 
dies at home, and the daughter afterwards returns to 
her father's cabin only to die on its threshold. For 
all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, but just 
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"THE REHEARSAL." 

A Novel Social Entertainment. For 7 Females. 
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FRANK DUMONTS FAMOUS PLAYS 

"The DIALECT COMEDIAN." 

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you greatlv. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"THE ST. LOUIS FAIR HOTEL." 
Sketch by Frank Dumont. 
Four Alale Characters. 
Fun galore in this sketch. It shows an avaricious 
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"McWADE'S PLATOON." 
Burlesque Dialect Police Drill. 
FINALE FOR FIRST PART. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Several nationalities are presented in this drill, giving 
splendid opportunities for good comedy work. Songs 
and marches are introduced, making an excellent finale 
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"WHEN WOMEN RULE US." 
Burlesque and Court House Scene. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Twenty Characters. 
This satire is arranged specially for ladies wherein 
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This burlesque may be used by gentlemen who, at- 
tired in grotesque imitation of female wardrobe and 
fads, can create any amount of laughter by imitating 
the gentle sex in mannerisms. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"MY NEW TYPEWRITER." 

Sketch by Frank Dumont. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Fine A. Silk, a busy agent 

Mrs. Silk, his wife, assuming disguises of tough girl, 

old maid and a gushing girly-girly typewriter 

A "screaming" sketch for one male and one female. 
Most excellent for a clever woman who can do char- 
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obliged to assume three distinct roles, all of which lead 
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A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexkan Life. 
An Orisrinal Dramatic Playlet for one Male and 
one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico 

The story is of Carinita, a Mexican girl, recently 
returned from school in the United States, and Pedro, 
a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- 
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"A Pair of Pants" 

A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. 
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pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- 
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*'A Jack and His Queen" 

Comedietta m one act for two Males and one Female. 

Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from 
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down by niarrying his fiancee, Flora Mason. Flora 
pa)s a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- 
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Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes 
her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception and 
some very smart dialogue ensues. 

"An Invitation to the Ball'* 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 
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"Chatter" 

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"Down in Paradise Alley** 

An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. 
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"Family Secrets" 

A Monologue for Rube Girl. 
This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- 
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A summer episode in two scenes. 

This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians 
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Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and 
running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in 
the spirit oi mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed 
her 

"Keep Your Eye on^the Ball" 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 

For a clever Irish comedian and leading 
woman Madame Blavatsky. fortune teller, has 
money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The 
con, plications that follow must be read to be appre- 
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"Meet My Wife" 

A Comedy Skefcli. for two Males and one Female. 

George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may 
not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- 
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friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- 
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his own house. 

"The Spirit of Gaptaia Kidd" 

A \'audevillc Playlet in two scenes. 

Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy 
McSorley, an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regulai 
rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no-^ 
torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. | 

This excruciatingly funny playlet is in twcj 
scenes. It is one long scre^jn from start to finish. 

"Two Girls and Him" 

A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females an<i 
one Male. 

There is a vein of exquisite sentiment running 
through this little playlet. 

Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselve 
stranded. Timothy McDufi' hears of their sad pligh 
and spends his earnings to pay their way to the city 

"What Every Woman Thmks !She Knows 

A Suffragette Monologue. 

This monologue on the suiTragfette questioi\>s 
scream from beginning to end. More ludicrous "pat 
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